Yesterday, while listening to a wise man teach the junior high confirmation class at church today, something finally clicked. In high school, I wanted to be a veterinarian but was dissuaded by my mom and the vet who cared for our animals because of their concern about how much the education would cost. These were wise concerns. Ultimately, I listened and pursued another interest, but not something I feel was my passion or calling. Since stepping out into my career, I have felt like a ship whose sail and rudder have been broken: Potentially useful but going nowhere.
At times, this has left me feeling defeated and like a failure.
I’ll be honest, I have no clue what I’m actually passionate about although I have a few interests that are near and dear to my heart.
Part of change for me has been in experimenting with who I want to be and embracing who I am at a gut level. Today I realized I never sought God’s direction in my path toward my purpose. I also realized that I am still not seeking God in that path, nor am I asking which hobbies I should commit myself to in order to better pursue the best path for me. I still feel like a rudderless ship.
Maybe right now, the best change I could make is to stop experimenting and start listening to that still small voice that tells me which small step to take next. This is a hard step for me. I have spent a long time trying to follow my heart, my gut instinct, and my wishes. Now, it is time to listen to my Creator and ask:
After the last few status updates on the house, I think it is time to reflect on the “why” we are putting ourselves through this. I am doing this as much for myself as for those of you who will read this.
Why are we choosing to live in a small travel trailer and a shed with our two dogs while we build an 800 square foot house? This is a question I have asked myself more than once when I was driving to the gym so I could shower or to the gas station at eleven at night to use the bathroom one last time before bed. We could have easily afforded a house, in a neighborhood that isn’t quite as nice as where we ended up, and still hit our goal of being debt free in ten years.
It all comes down to building a life… building the life WE want. When Chris and I talked about the home we wanted we talked about outdoor space and a small, cozy home. We talked about not having to conform to an HOA’s guidelines and having a large yard where the dogs could run.
Granted, I am a dreamer. I dream of doing so many different things but actually do very few of them. However, this house is a step towards being able to do the things Chris and I want to be able to do together. Now that the house is nearly done, the life building begins. Our life is about to change… we will soon be able to move in and we will (finally) have a house (with indoor plumbing!) Now it is time to detach from Netflix, stop dreaming about the things I want to do when the house is done and start planning those dreams out. They will not all be accomplished this year. With my short attention span, that is difficult. For example, I will likely start planting the garden I am dreaming about, which means I need to budget for planting, build planters, remove cacti, plan a layout and actually break a sweat. I cannot just watch documentaries on slow food and join Facebook groups.
It is easy to think that making a big change will actually cause your dreams to fall into place. But that isn’t accurate. Change is merely a catalyst that allows the work to be done to accomplish your dreams and then the life building begins.